Take the TIME OUT. Come on.
Conflict is a part of every relationship.
There is a difference, however, between “constructive” or disagreement that is useful and “destructive” or relationally damaging conflict. One of the best strategies for shutting down fighting and saying bye to it’s good friend verbal abuse, is to use a formal time-out.
Take a break. Calm yourself down. Its good for you and your relationship. It is a fundamental strategy in couples counseling.
Let’s set the stage for an effective and RESPONSIBLE Time Out.
In close partnership, When either partner calls a time-out – by saying the words, “time-out,” by using the “T“ hand signal, or by using any agreed-upon sign – the interaction comes to an immediate stop.
It sounds like this:
“I’m about to lose it (or I see you losing it). I know that if we continue this fight we will do or say hurtful and often dumb things that will create even more relationship pain. Let’s get a real grip and both take some time to calm down. We will get back together and check in, in one hour. We got this.”
The default length is 20 minutes. The timeout means that one partner (or both) is “losing it” and either partner knows calling a time out will prevent further relational harm and protect emotional connection.
Checking in does not necessarily mean getting back together. You can check in–either in person or by telephone or text. Tell your partner that you need more time. Go from short intervals of time outs like 20 minutes to even a whole day or overnight. Whatever it takes to get real time to effective calm the central nervous system and get back into adult wisdom. The instruction to clients in couples counseling:
Twenty minutes
One or two hours
Half a day
A whole day
Overnight
When reconnecting after a time-out, you must take a 24-hour moratorium on the subject that triggered the initial fight.
10 Rules of time outs in a relationship! (From Terry Real, creator of Relational Life Therapy RLT https://terryreal.com
1. Use time-outs as a circuit breaker
A time-out is a an emergency brake, the thing you use to HALT an interaction that either has crossed over into or is quickly crossing over into a dumpster fire.
Time outs have one job and one job only – to stop abruptly a psychologically violent or unconstructive interaction between you and your partner.
2. Take your time out from the “I”
Calling for a time-out has everything to do with me and NOTHING to do with you. Calling for a time-out means that I don’t like how I am feeling, or what I am doing or about to do. Whether or not you think you have a problem or the other has the bigger problem is strictly your business.
3. Take distance responsibly
Time outs are obviously a form of distance taking, and like all forms of distance taking there are two ways to do it – provocatively or responsibly.
Responsible distance taking has two pieces to it:
An explanation
A promise of return
“This is why I am seeking distance and this is when I intend on coming back.”
Provocative or unfair distance taking, by contrast, has neither – you just take the distance without any explanation or taking care of your partner’s anxieties about your leaving. Also, it’s a set up to get chased.
4. Use the phrase (time out) or the gesture (the “T” sign).
What is always under your control is the ability to take a pause and get some space.
The phrase “time out” or the T sign as a gesture are abbreviations for the following phrase:
“Look, no matter how you may be feeling or assessing things, I don’t like how I’m doing and I don’t trust what I am about to do. So, I’m taking some time to regain my composure and I will be back to you when I do.”
5. Don’t let yourself get off track
This is not “I’m leaving” or asking permission. Don’t stand there and keep talking.
Leave the space after a check in time is called. Close a door, get safe. You’re not asking permission and you cannot allow yourself to be stopped. Don’t call a time-out and stand there to keep talking! Leave. Leave the room and go into another–a bedroom for example–and close the door.
If your partner won’t leave you alone, then leave the house – with or without the kids, your call. Go down the block for a cup of coffee.
6. Use check-ins at prescribed intervals
Since you’re not using a time-out to punish your partner but rather to calm things down, it is critical that you check in with your partner from time to time.
The intervals I suggest are:
an hour
three hours
a half day
a whole day
an overnight
Check-ins can be done in person although cooler media might be advised. You can check in by phone or even by texting.
7. Remember your goal
Time outs are about stopping one thing: emotionally violent, immature, destructive behavior. Stopping such behavior in your relationship is a primary goal, always.
You may need to work on better communication, more sharing, or negotiation, but none of that will happen until you succeed in stopping the child-like hurting, fighting moves.
8. Return in good faith
When are you ready to end a time-out? When you and your partner are both reseated enough in your adult selves to have a positive interaction again. Don’t return with a grudge or a chip on your shoulder. Come back when you are truly ready to make peace.
9. Use a twenty-four-hour moratorium on triggering topics
A mistake a lot of couples make when they re-engage is to try to “process” what just happened. Bad idea. When you come back from a time out just make nice to each other. Give your partner a hug.
Do NOT try to sort through whatever the topic was that triggered the time out for twenty-four hours.
10. Know when to get help and use it.
If you find that a certain topic–kids, sex, money–ALWAYS triggers a nasty transaction, take that as a signal that you need some outside support in order to have that conversation constructively.
Go to a mental health professional for help. If you find that heated, unhelpful transactions occur with enough regularity that you are frequently resorting to time-outs, take that as a signal that you and your partner need some ongoing couple’s work.
(Terry Real, March 2023)
I find that clients in marriage counseling or couples therapy find more relational satisfaction when time outs are used responsibly.
JRevels Counseling, LCMHC Durham, Raleigh, Chapel Hill, NC
Take a Time Out. Calm Down. Get Together. Find out now if you need couples counseling, marriage counseling, or relationship therapy. Contact Jessica Revels @ jrevelscounseling.com
Work out much? Relationships take practice and work too. Start couples counseling or marriage therapy with experienced therapist, Jessica Revels in Durham, Raleigh, or Chapel Hill NC